Cemlyn Tea Shop, Harlech

In the early days of his reign Edward I implemented many legal reforms. This led to war with Llywelyn ap Gruffudd. After supressing numerous resulting rebellions Edward was obliged to build a string of castles across Wales. These castles were always sited where they could easily receive supplies. Harlech castle was no exception as the sea once came all the way up to the base of the cliffs beneath the castle.

In a spirit of political transparency we investigated an alternative method of selecting bread, cheese and pickles. The methodology in question, known as Welst Rarebit, guarantees a perfect bread-to-cheese ratio. Though some practioners would argue that somewhat misses the point. The implementation we sampled had light but varied foliage and tastefully presented pickle. The tea augmentation was more than satisfactory.

The Bull Inn, Battle

On the 14th October 1066, Duke William II of Normandy led his army into battle against King Harold II. The Anglo Saxons were a bit tired having just got back from fighting Vikings in Yorkshire. Also the Normans used a cunning tactic of pretending to retreat in order to cut off pockets of Harold's troops. William brought in his archers, Harold looked up at the volley and caught one squarely in the eye. In atonement for his conquest, William had the benedictine order build an abbey on the site with the high altar to be positioned exactly where Harold had copped it.

After a hard morning of strolling round the impressive remains of Bodiam Castle, it would have been foolhardy to have embarked on a tour of Battle without first taking some refreshment. Fortunately stopping at The Bull Inn one finds an exceedingly buxom lady only to eager to serve a selection of good bitters.The sacred ploughman's was also available. The bread was standard but fresh, the bread-to-butter ratio genuinely astonishing. The Stilton was of surprisingly good quality, good bite but without an overpowering aftertaste of sock. Foliage was substantial and combined with the pickled onions and cherry tomatoes enabled me to re-enact the famous battle.

Mood: Mellow yellow.
Experience: A bright shiny sun.

Vital Ingredient, Berwick Street

Oases are usually formed when an underground river reaches the surface through substrata of permeable rock. In early 90s Manchester a rock band called Oasis reached the surface. Standing at the spot where the cover photograph for their album "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?" was taken we can still see the picturesque Blue Posts public house, though in the distance we can now see the recently constructed Hedge Fund Towers. Turning round we see an oasis of straightforward vegetables amid the desert of off-the-wall fast food that is Soho, namely Vital Ingredient.

Select a base, mixed foliage, straight foliage, rice of any colour, exotic cereals etc. Then your salad operative will artistically combine any number of vegetables and tasty deli components, whilst making amusing conversation, to create the salad of your dreams.

The Ploughman always likes to be prepared so in the run up to the Festive Season we took the step of partaking of the Christmas salad. Our operative had been generous with the turkey but the resulting dryness was fully countered by the cranberry dressing. The boiled potatoes were cooked just right. We had initially thought roast potatoes would have worked well but that would rather have distracted from our pre-detox mission. Vegetables were too numerous to name.

Mood: a festive shade of cranberry
Experience: a fractal fern frond

The Mason's Arms, Maddox Street, Mayfair

Until 1686 the May Fair was held around the street now known as the Haymarket. Recently my valet pointed out that the fair had been moved to Bow following complaints from local residents. He further expounded that a number of amusing public houses had been built in that area now.

We strolled along there one Saturday evening with a number of jovial chums in search of the requisite bread/cheese/pickle combo. We were alarmed that the first two establishments that are feet took us to closed their doors at six of the clock. Cursing ourselves for not having taken the simple expedient of looking for a ploughman's lunch at lunchtime we eventually came upon The Masons' Arms.

There were a surprising number of mechanicals in the establishment but it was not possible to unequivocally determine that they worked with stone. Nonetheless, an appropriate handshake and a brown Bank of England voucher procued the above Ploughman's Platter and the corresponding tankard of foaming ale. Bread-to-butter was high but within tolerance. Foliage surprisingly dense for a mechanical audience; cheese selection limited. What most struck us though was the luminosity of the mustard. Having donned approriate protective clothing we took the relevant readings but determined that we had received no more radiation than one would have done on a business class flight to New York.

Mood: luminous mustard yellow

Experience: Masonic

Malaysian Pickles

The megadiverse countries are a group of 17 countries that between them contain the majority of species on the planet. One of these countries has been inhabited by humans for over forty thousand years and was known in ancient times as The Golden Peninsula. It is now known as Malaysia.

For all these reasons we were extremely delighted to receive the gift of pickles from a Malaysian friend. They were simultaneously both crunchy and succulent and the flavour had just the right amount of vinegary bite.

Mood: vibrant greens

Experience: a shooting star

Creloe's, 119th Street, New York

Duke Ellington often urged us to "Take the A Train to Harlem". One of our readers kindly invited us to do this and endeavour to partake of a ploughman's lunch. Not perhaps considering fully the time difference they invited us to do so rather late in the day. Nonetheless we did "Take the 6 Express Train to Pelham Bay Park" and alighted at Spanish Harlem. A most enjoyable stroll past a number of discount carpet warehouses brought us to Creole's Music and Supper Club.

We had the Haitian chicken stew with black beans and coconut rice accompanied by a Red Stripe lager. The stew was perfectly cooked with the meat coming easily away from the bone. The coconut rice was perhaps a little too delicate but the black beans more than made up for this.

Clearly we completely failed to find a ploughman's lunch but the ambience of the establishment was relaxed and welcoming. The balance between the quality of the music and the quality of the food was perfect. We would be very pleased to find an establishment of this quality on this side of the Atlantic.

Mood: Autumnal Greens and Oranges

Experience: Spherical

Cosi Sandwich, 3rd Avenue, New York



Angouleme is a town in South-Western France famous for it's paper making. Amsterdam is a city that grew up around a bridge over the river Amstel. York is a walled city at the confluence of the rivers Ouse and Foss. The natural harbour at the mouth of the Hudson River has been called New Angouleme and then New Amsterdam. By the time we came to visit it had come to be known as New York.

We found midtown 3rd Avenue to be an area primarily inhabited by office blocks consisting of miles and miles of corridors of brown hessian wall weave finally terminating in locked restrooms, a phenomenon that we found anything but restful. Having escaped from a particularly traumatic instance of this early one morning we took refuge in Mr Cosi's sandwich emporium.

We had the garden pesto croissant with a chai tea latte. The croissant was refreshingly crisp as they had refrained from excessive butter usage in its construction. The pesto rather lacked bite and we failed to understand in what way the dish was garden themed. The beverage was sufficiently spicy and served the purpose. The staff, like many New Yorkers were friendly and considerate.

Mood: Brown Hessian

Experience: Crescent-shaped