Vital Ingredient, Berwick Street

Oases are usually formed when an underground river reaches the surface through substrata of permeable rock. In early 90s Manchester a rock band called Oasis reached the surface. Standing at the spot where the cover photograph for their album "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?" was taken we can still see the picturesque Blue Posts public house, though in the distance we can now see the recently constructed Hedge Fund Towers. Turning round we see an oasis of straightforward vegetables amid the desert of off-the-wall fast food that is Soho, namely Vital Ingredient.

Select a base, mixed foliage, straight foliage, rice of any colour, exotic cereals etc. Then your salad operative will artistically combine any number of vegetables and tasty deli components, whilst making amusing conversation, to create the salad of your dreams.

The Ploughman always likes to be prepared so in the run up to the Festive Season we took the step of partaking of the Christmas salad. Our operative had been generous with the turkey but the resulting dryness was fully countered by the cranberry dressing. The boiled potatoes were cooked just right. We had initially thought roast potatoes would have worked well but that would rather have distracted from our pre-detox mission. Vegetables were too numerous to name.

Mood: a festive shade of cranberry
Experience: a fractal fern frond

The Mason's Arms, Maddox Street, Mayfair

Until 1686 the May Fair was held around the street now known as the Haymarket. Recently my valet pointed out that the fair had been moved to Bow following complaints from local residents. He further expounded that a number of amusing public houses had been built in that area now.

We strolled along there one Saturday evening with a number of jovial chums in search of the requisite bread/cheese/pickle combo. We were alarmed that the first two establishments that are feet took us to closed their doors at six of the clock. Cursing ourselves for not having taken the simple expedient of looking for a ploughman's lunch at lunchtime we eventually came upon The Masons' Arms.

There were a surprising number of mechanicals in the establishment but it was not possible to unequivocally determine that they worked with stone. Nonetheless, an appropriate handshake and a brown Bank of England voucher procued the above Ploughman's Platter and the corresponding tankard of foaming ale. Bread-to-butter was high but within tolerance. Foliage surprisingly dense for a mechanical audience; cheese selection limited. What most struck us though was the luminosity of the mustard. Having donned approriate protective clothing we took the relevant readings but determined that we had received no more radiation than one would have done on a business class flight to New York.

Mood: luminous mustard yellow

Experience: Masonic

Malaysian Pickles

The megadiverse countries are a group of 17 countries that between them contain the majority of species on the planet. One of these countries has been inhabited by humans for over forty thousand years and was known in ancient times as The Golden Peninsula. It is now known as Malaysia.

For all these reasons we were extremely delighted to receive the gift of pickles from a Malaysian friend. They were simultaneously both crunchy and succulent and the flavour had just the right amount of vinegary bite.

Mood: vibrant greens

Experience: a shooting star

Creloe's, 119th Street, New York

Duke Ellington often urged us to "Take the A Train to Harlem". One of our readers kindly invited us to do this and endeavour to partake of a ploughman's lunch. Not perhaps considering fully the time difference they invited us to do so rather late in the day. Nonetheless we did "Take the 6 Express Train to Pelham Bay Park" and alighted at Spanish Harlem. A most enjoyable stroll past a number of discount carpet warehouses brought us to Creole's Music and Supper Club.

We had the Haitian chicken stew with black beans and coconut rice accompanied by a Red Stripe lager. The stew was perfectly cooked with the meat coming easily away from the bone. The coconut rice was perhaps a little too delicate but the black beans more than made up for this.

Clearly we completely failed to find a ploughman's lunch but the ambience of the establishment was relaxed and welcoming. The balance between the quality of the music and the quality of the food was perfect. We would be very pleased to find an establishment of this quality on this side of the Atlantic.

Mood: Autumnal Greens and Oranges

Experience: Spherical

Cosi Sandwich, 3rd Avenue, New York



Angouleme is a town in South-Western France famous for it's paper making. Amsterdam is a city that grew up around a bridge over the river Amstel. York is a walled city at the confluence of the rivers Ouse and Foss. The natural harbour at the mouth of the Hudson River has been called New Angouleme and then New Amsterdam. By the time we came to visit it had come to be known as New York.

We found midtown 3rd Avenue to be an area primarily inhabited by office blocks consisting of miles and miles of corridors of brown hessian wall weave finally terminating in locked restrooms, a phenomenon that we found anything but restful. Having escaped from a particularly traumatic instance of this early one morning we took refuge in Mr Cosi's sandwich emporium.

We had the garden pesto croissant with a chai tea latte. The croissant was refreshingly crisp as they had refrained from excessive butter usage in its construction. The pesto rather lacked bite and we failed to understand in what way the dish was garden themed. The beverage was sufficiently spicy and served the purpose. The staff, like many New Yorkers were friendly and considerate.

Mood: Brown Hessian

Experience: Crescent-shaped

The Old Thameside Inn, Clink Street, Southwark

The Cathedral of Saint Saviour and Saint Mary Overie lies on the south bank of the river Thames just a stone's throw from the Livery Hall of the Worshipful Company of Painters of Glass; though of course we would strongly recommend against throwing even pebbles in either establishment. As most of my readers will readily appreciated the sight of a church tower hoving into view brings a warm glow to our heart, primarily because a public house is almost sure to be found nearby.

Although our great-grandfather sang in the choir at the cathedral, it was actually to see our maternal half-first-cousin once removed that we attended the nearby Thamesside inn. Due to punctuality issues on our cousin's side the clock stood at ten-to-three before we entered the establishment and it was packed to the gills with lunchers. Fortunately the good Lord parted the crowds and a sunbeam shone directly to a vacant table in the corner. Regretably having secured the table we did find it to be somewhat subject to gale-force winds whenever the adjacent door was opened. Nonetheless we set ourselves to the matter at hand.

We had the minature pie selection. This consisted of a Cornish pasty, a steak and ale pie, a chicken and mushroom pie and a cauliflower cheese crumble. There was significant, some might even say excessive, ballast of roast potatoes. A mass produced but effective brown sauce accompanied a suitable gravy. The pastry was baked within acceptable parameters. This meal was perfectly good as far as it went but we would have been entirely receptive to some vegetable-orientated content.

Cousin has some girlie repast which shall not trouble us here. Cousin's gentleman companion took a manly ploughman's. The keen observer will notice that in outline this exhibit of the-meal-of-the-gods superficially resembles that presented at The White Horse some weeks earlier. However, there the comparison ends. In The Thameside Inn the pie had a perky wholesome tan, the cheese selection was good and the foliage was diverse in it's colouring.

Mood: vibrant pinks and purples

Experience: an eliptic spiral

Heinz Ploughman's Pickle: A Test Drive

In 1826 James Sharp purchased 200 acres of land that he found especially beautiful in order to build a log cabin for his wife there. The place came to be known as Sharpsburg and in 1869 the H.J. Heinz Company was founded there. Their first product was a horesradish condiment. By 1892 they had more than sixty products; however, as the number 5 had special significance to Henry John Heinz and 7 had special significance to his wife, the firm started using the slogan "57 varieties".

We recently took their "Ploughman's Pickle" for a test drive through a series of narrow country vegetables with some exhilirating stretches of muffin. Finally to fully assess it's performance we tried it out on a handraised pork pie and a slice of mozarella.

The handling was very responsive despite the pickle being mass-produced. The flavour did perhaps lack the oomph of more high-performance pickles but that is reflected in the price tag.

Finally a number of our readers have asked us to give a rating the various produce we review in this pages. We wouldn't wanted to lower ourselves to the vulgarity of a simple linear 1 to 10 scale but in order to assist our readers we will be asigning a shape to give a sense of how we perceived the experience. In order to help our readers benchmark this accurately we will also give a colour to indicate our mood at the time. We always welcome these interesting pieces of feedback from readers.

Mood: Sea mist billowing to autumunal greens and oranges.

Experience: Rhombus with a slightly drooping point.